Orthogonal Trajectories

Daily Ruminations.

Live life to the fullest and ball outrageous.

Reading Simmons’ Old Mailbags and Came Across This…

Q: I’m getting married in few months at Mandalay Bay, as opposed to St. Joseph’s Chapel at Holy Cross. (I’m an HC ‘98 grad). I guess my question is this, how long do I have to wait after the official “I Do’s” to play a hand of blackjack? I mean, my fiancee and I have been together for three years, so it’s not like we haven’t already consummated the relationship. Plus, most of my boys will be out in Vegas with us. I figured you would have some sort of ruling for me.

—Chris M., Worcester, Mass.

SG: I feel like the Wolf in “Pulp Fiction” right now. Okay — I’m assuming you’re having a reception, and I’m assuming she’ll change out of her dress sometime during the night. When she goes to your room to change, tell her you’re staying downstairs to play “just a couple of hands” with your buddies. She’ll be fine with that, but she’ll insist that you play in a specific section so she can find you after she changes. Tell her you’ll be at the tables closest to the sports book. Then tell her she looked beautiful tonight and you’re so glad she’s your wife and all that crap.

As soon as she leaves, walk to the opposite end of the gaming area and find the tables near Raffles Cafe, which are hidden away a little bit. By the time she takes the elevator up, changes, calls her friends, comes back down, then walks around to find you, that should be about 45 minutes — enough time for three shoes. When she does find you, tell her that you had to switch tables because the dealer was bad luck — this way she won’t be angry about it. And even if you’re losing, tell her that you were on a hot streak right when she showed up — in fact, you’ve never been on a roll like this before. She’ll be thinking, “Cool, I’m having eggs benedict tomorrow from room service, and screw it, I might even steal one of the robes!” and leave you alone for another 45 minutes.

Here’s the key: In that next 45 minutes, you have to win money. When she comes back, you need to have at least five stacks of green to show off. Anything less and you’re going upstairs. Then again, that’s probably not a bad thing. You know, it’s your wedding night and all.

(Speaking of Vegas …)

Q: I have a Vegas Bachelorette Party Theory that I want to share with you and your readers: If you see a bachelorette party going on in Vegas, DO NOT APPROACH THEM, the only thing they will do to the men that approach them is tease them and make them look like idiots. There will always be a “mother hen” protecting the really drunk ones. It is a no-win situation. You need to keep your distance. Make eye contact with the ones that are looking around. Smile at any of them that break away to go to the bar, and maybe say hello. BUT THAT IS ALL. Then you must wait. Sooner or later they will all head back up to the rooms, because the bachelorette is way too drunk. Now pay attention, this is the important part. More often than not, in about 20 minutes, two or three of the girls will head back down. Run; don’t walk, to talk to these girls. They came back down for one reason.

—Rob O., Redondo Beach, Calif.

SG: Yikes … that was like beginning of an informercial ad for Rohypnol.

Bill Simmons & President Obama

President Obama: “Well, it’s funny, the mythology of sports is just — it’s deeply embedded in us. I remember I visited Iraq as a senator, and I think at that point I had already started running for president, but I can’t remember. Anyway, they invited me to go into this gym, and there were like 3,000 of our troops there. And somebody just handed me a ball and said, “Come on, Mr. President, take a shot.” And I said, OK, and I shot it and swished it from the 3-point line. And the amount of excitement that those folks had was surprising to me.

But I think it just sort of reminded me of the kind of bond that sports creates in people. People — for all our differences politically, regionally, economically — most folks understand sports. Probably because it’s one of the few places where it’s a true meritocracy. There’s not a lot of BS. Ultimately, who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s performing, who’s not — it’s all laid out there.”

The Danny Ainge Anniversary Party

- by Bill Simmons

Ross: ”Thanks, Glenn! Wow, it’s great to be in the same room with so many talented basketball minds — and Danny Ainge. [Crowd laughs, but not as hard as Jeff wanted.] God, look at you people … cheer up! It’s just basketball! I haven’t seen this many white people this upset since they canceled ER! [Scattered laughs.] Hey, I heard Paul Pierce is speaking tonight, is that true? Paul was on a seafood diet during the lockout — he see food, he eat it. [Crowd groans.] Too soon? C’mon man, I don’t want to say Paul Pierce showed up fat for the season, but the chef from Legal Sea Foods tried to harpoon him! [Crowd groans.] Whoa, tough crowd, tough crowd. This Celtics season has everyone on edge. Who’s running this team, Danny Ainge or Danny Bonaduce? [More groans.] Danny, you’re two games under .500? Who has worse luck with basketball players — you or Kim Kardashian? [Crowd groans.] Really? No on that one? [Shakes his head.] Did you guys know that Danny is starting a new social movement in the NBA? It’s called Occupy Lottery. [More groans. Jeff starts sifting through his notes.] Man, you guys are brutal. Not as bad as Danny, though — I mean, I knew Mormons could marry multiple wives, I didn’t know they could marry multiple bad contracts!”“

Linsanity Bag

From the always enjoyable Bill Simmons’ Grantland Mail Bag column.

Fun read on Linsanity.  What if’s.  Trade possibilities.  Race.  Carmelo’s imminent return.  MSG and New York.  Tebow comparisons.  You name it, Simmons has you covered.

Here’s one section that definitely stuck:

One last note on the race angle: I don’t mean to shy away from it, because he’s tapping into something much larger than just “saving the Knicks.” There’s been a subtle racism lurking behind everything that’s happened these past two weeks; you can’t help but notice it when they show someone holding a “Yellow Mamba” sign in the stands (which happened Friday night), or with the people who crossed the line on Twitter (that’s still going), or even the late-night monologue-type jokes like “Of course Jeremy Lin would go well with MSG” or “Who said Asians couldn’t drive?,” which sound relatively harmless until you think, Wait, nobody would be making ‘black’ jokes if Lin were black. I asked two of my friends — one Korean American, one Chinese American — if this bothered them during these past two weeks. Here’s what they said.

Friend No. 1 (Jay Kang, fellow Grantlander): “There’s always going to be some shit kicked up by haters, but the outpouring of excitement and love has overwhelmed the usual racist clatter. That doesn’t mean I haven’t rolled my eyes a couple times or even gotten angry. But there’s a difference between someone who says something a bit insensitive out of genuine enthusiasm and someone who is just trying to get off his bitter rocks. It’s important to not hawk over Linsanity with that much vigilance; it’s basketball and it’s a bunch of dudes typing reactions on Twitter. There’s just no reason to let a few racist assholes ruin the best party of the year. Yes, some of these comments have highlighted that we, as a society, don’t treat all racism equally, but if you didn’t know that already, you’ve been living in a hole somewhere. More important, if you can’t look at Jeremy Lin and see why America is the greatest country in the world, well, then you don’t understand America.”“